


a Hundred and Five

by Crucified_To_A_Star



Series: Maybe This is Right [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Holidays, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, finally yujae get their healthy relationship, i will add more tags later if i can think of them, what is it like to fall in love with someone you already fell in love with once before?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27341467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crucified_To_A_Star/pseuds/Crucified_To_A_Star
Summary: ”I want to love you, Yuta. I want to love you and I want you to love yourself.”
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: Maybe This is Right [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691230
Comments: 4
Kudos: 96





	a Hundred and Five

**Author's Note:**

> hey!!! i'm so sorry this took so long, first of all, but i have gotten so stuck on some of my works ahhh
> 
> anyways, this is about what happens in the JohnMark where YuJae break up! finally getting some answers and closure on this one. 
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoy as this is quite different from the first and a totally different vibe than normal! also, it's very quickly edited so i'm sorry for any mistakes aha
> 
> enjoy<3

_”I want to love you, Yuta. I want to love you and I want you to love yourself.”_

_You are endlessly flow futuristic and I_  
_The night where I’m going in circles on my surroundings_  
_The crazy speed that flipped over the lanes_  
_At a hundred and five_

There were many things Jaehyun was good at, he thought as he listened to his phone chiming in the seat next to him. 

Jaehyun’s athletic capabilities were undeniable, his full-ride scholarship proving it. His academics were incredible, his name printed on the dean’s list nearly every semester. He was popular amongst his peers and his teachers and his coworkers. Jaehyun was excellent at almost every hobby he picked up, learning tasks as though they were second nature, memorizing every instruction to the finest detail. Jaehyun was good at many things. 

Though, as he listened to the phone ring on the passenger seat next to him, he knew there were some things that he was _not_ good at. 

The problems probably started at the beginning. 

How long had Yuta resented Jaehyun for the fact that Jaehyun was _good_ at so many things? 

Jaehyun knew it wasn’t fair to pin it all on Yuta. In reality, it was a combination of the both of them. They always clicked so well, completed each other so well, filled each other in so _well_ \- it was almost a bad thing. 

Jaehyun was always independent, always himself, always someone so distinct in a crowd he was impossible to miss. With Yuta, though, he started to notice himself melting into more of a smudge of a person, the two blending together so much it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended. Jaehyun had begun to realize neither of the two were complete characters anymore, rather two halves of one. 

Jaehyun didn’t want to be a half, he wanted to be a _whole_ with a mate. 

Yuta was codependent in a way he _hadn’t_ expected. It wasn’t unhealthy, but Jaehyun had begun to feel smothered, feel as though Yuta was losing sight of his own wants and needs. 

It was always _Jaehyun, what do you want to do? What do you want to eat? What do you want to watch?_

Jaehyun worried often that Yuta no longer cared what _he_ wanted, giving in to wanting to please Jaehyun.

There was a nagging thought in Jaehyun’s mind that made him think that Yuta, whether consciously or unconsciously, did this so he kept Jaehyun around.

The two had always had a strained relationship, but falling in love with Yuta had been so incredibly _easy_ for Jaehyun that it was almost _terrifying_. The two really hadn’t made their relationship official besides Yuta’s intense insistence that Jaehyun was _his_. There were problems within that in itself.

Jaehyun had begun to feel as though there was no way out, no way to fix the cracks in the china. 

He had sat on the concerns for the summer, watching the cracks deepen and chips fall off until he was scared the china was ruined for forever. Something in him wanted to save it, wanted to take the frail ceramic in gentle hands and store it somewhere until he was able to salvage it, if possible at all. 

So, that was what he did.

One September morning he awoke before the sun had, wrapped in Yuta’s arms as he had so often before. This morning would be the last, he thought, hands gripping the man just a small bit tighter. Yuta didn’t stir. He would hold him, Jaehyun decided, he would hold him until the sun crawled into the sky and bathed the two in an autumn leaf colored light. He would hold Yuta despite the cracking of his heart and the risk of shattering the china. He would hold Yuta just this one morning longer, clinging to the feeling of the warmth of the body of the man he had fallen in love with. 

He would hold onto this for just a moment in time, hoping that he was making the decisions that would save their future moments.

When the sky did break the sky, he slid from the sheets and silently from the room. Mark was at Johnny’s, Yuta and his shared apartment empty and dark. Yuta would awake alone this morning. Jaehyun’s hands shook while he wrote his note on Yuta’s grocery list, the cat looking oddly judgemental from the corner of the purple pad. Jaehyun wrote carefully, but briefly. Jaehyun felt the scratching of the pen digging into the valves of his heart and he wondered if this was what genuine pain felt like. By the time the note was finished, he couldn’t feel his fingertips and his mind was so blank he thought he hadn’t truly ever woken from sleep. 

He wanted to head back into Yuta’s room, to curl back around the other man, to kiss him until he found another way to fix this. He didn’t, though, because a house built on a crumbling foundation would never last. 

They needed to start over. 

Jaehyun slid his shoes on and left the apartment before he could regret it. 

Yuta had experienced many bad things in life, but being broken up with through a messily scrawled note in his second language on a dollar store grocery list was definitely the most _embarrassing_ of them all. The words _we need some time apart_ shouldn’t be scrawled next to the word _eggs_ and a scratched out _paper towels_ , yet there they were. 

Yuta wasn’t sure what he felt. 

Anger. Frustration. Confusion. _Pain_. Pain was the most prominent, coursing through his chest and limbs, weakening his knees and crushing his heart beneath a weight that felt equivalent to that of when Jaehyun would sleep on his chest, though now it was suffocating. Yuta could physically _feel_ the absence of the man in his life, could feel the way he had left a space next to him despite it only having been what must’ve been a few hours. Yuta crushed the note in his hands. 

He was going to fucking _kill_ Jaehyun. 

“I hate him, Taeyong, I fucking _hate_ him.” Yuta swore as he paced around Doyoung’s living room. Doyoung looked wholly unimpressed with Yuta’s appearance in his apartment, sitting in his pajamas with a fox shaped mug of hot green tea clasped between his hands, though he said nothing. His hair was mused and his glasses sat on his nose and Yuta almost felt bad for interrupting his and Taeyong’s day, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. He had stormed into the apartment to find the two cuddling on the couch and that had sent him into a near hysterical fit. Taeyong was perched on the ottoman, watching him pace as Doyoung scrolled through his phone. 

“You don’t hate him,” Taeyong said, not unkindly, “You’re just hurting. I understand why, it was kind of a dick thing for him to do to you, but you don’t hate him.”

Yuta found himself groaning as he flopped down on the opposite end of the couch to Doyoung and dropped his head onto the arm of the couch. “It hurts, Yong.”

Taeyong’s expression melted into something so sad that it almost mirrored how Yuta was feeling. Taeyong crawled onto the couch between his boyfriend and best friend and held the silver haired man. Outside, it had begun to rain, the sunny morning clouding over into a grey sky that no longer promised warmth.

Autumn was coming and Yuta would spend it cold. 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Yong, I just don’t know.” 

At some point, Doyoung had accidentally mentioned Jaehyun being at Johnny’s and Yuta had found himself there as well. Perhaps it was rude, how he entered Johnny’s house, but he wasn’t able to figure out how to approach the fear coursing through him at the idea of losing Jaehyun. When he drug Jaehyun onto the porch, the rain cascading over the awning around them, Jaehyun didn’t look surprised at his arrival. 

“I’m sorry, Yuta,” It was the first thing he said since exiting the house. 

“ _Why_?” Yuta asked, voice cracking. He almost was concerned he wasn’t able to be heard over the rain around them, but that was soothed when Jaehyun flinched, the words absorbing. “Why do we need space? Have I not been enough for you?” 

Jaehyun shook his head, brown curls flopping over his forehead, skin a peachy pallor that hadn’t changed despite the summer just passing. His chestnut eyes were tired and no longer glimmered when they met Yuta’s, though there wasn’t any animosity in the gaze he gave him- there was _sadness_. “You are _everything_ , Yuta. You are _everything_. That’s the problem, though- you’re _everything_. I need to know how it is to be without you again. I need you to know what it is to be without _me_. I want you to be you. I want to start over with you.”

“We can’t _start over_ , Jaehyun!” Yuta could feel something horrible crawling up his throat, something that felt like a mix between despair and desperation and he didn’t like it, “How can we start over when I’m already in love with you?” 

“That’s the thing,” Jaehyun stressed, looking the same way as Yuta was feeling, “I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to start over and I want to fix where we are going wrong. We aren’t right, Yuta. We fight all of the time. You’re so jealous over me. You never do what you want. You’re never _alone_ anymore. I want you to be happy on your own. I want to know that you are you and not just an extension of _me_. I want to love you, Yuta. I want to love you and I want you to love yourself.” 

_That_ knocked the air from Yuta’s chest. Punching him would have hurt less, he thought, than _that_. 

When Yuta left, the rain covered his tears and washed away the lingering feeling of Jaehyun’s apologetic fingers on his cheek. 

_I want to love you._

Yuta spent more time with Taeyong and Mark and Jaehyun spent more time with Doyoung and Johnny and somehow the six of them slowly split back into two trios. There was an awkward rift when they were all together, one that was larger than the flat wooden table top of the picnic bench they had sat at all summer. 

Everyone pretended not to notice and Jaehyun and Yuta pretended as though the other was nothing more than an acquaintance auditing the group. 

_I want to love you_.

It was Halloween when the ice between the two melted for the first time. Johnny had dragged Doyoung and Jaehyun to a costume party he had been invited to, the other three inevitably being invited along with. Johnny had dressed as a classic and cheap doctor, his white coat barely reaching his thighs and looking uncomfortably tight around his biceps, though Mark had yet to stop staring since they had met up. Jaehyun wondered when the boy would stop being so flustered and just let Johnny _in_. 

Mark himself was dressed as a puppy, cute brown ears and painted nose as far as his costume went besides the paw gloves and brown shirt and pants. Taeyong had convinced him to go as a set, the other man dressing as a cat with black ears and pretty pink nose. Doyoung looked all _too_ appreciative of the outfit, blatantly staring at the way the vinyl pants clung to Taeyong’s muscular legs and the mesh shirt hid little of his torso. Doyoung carried Taeyong’s leather jacket over his arm, his own costume being a simple sticker that said _Hello, my name is Bob_. Doyoung had explained that the joke was that he was _not_ named Bob and also that he was _not_ wasting time nor money on anything more. 

Jaehyun had allowed himself to be dressed in purple nurses scrubs so he could match Johnny’s costume, a stethoscope tossed over his shoulders and a pen in the breast pocket to match. 

Yuta, surprisingly, was an _angel_. He wore feathered white wings and a wire supported halo, white gauzy clothing hanging from his body not unflatteringly, with glitter decorating his cheekbones and eyes. Jaehyun had had to down his drink when the trio walked in, his eyes unable to be removed from the man. He’d never seen him look so _soft_. When Yuta was close enough for him to see, Jaehyun was amazed to notice the jewelry removed from his ears, his tattoos entirely covered. Yuta had taken the extra step to look so soft. 

It had taken Jaehyun three drinks to approach him, three to be able to speak to him, three to be able to be _around him_. 

It took a fourth to herd him into the downstairs bathroom and press him against the sink, lips trapped against the elders, hands grasping his hips desperately. Yuta kissed him with an uncontrollable fever, their lips sliding in a pattern so familiar, but almost forgotten, a mild desperation and a strong longing. 

Jaehyun had _missed_ Yuta. 

“You look beautiful, Yuta,” He said when he pulled away, admiring the shine of his most beautiful features, the way his nose was strong yet curved, the carvings of his cheekbones and the way his eyes seemed to be able to tear every piece of clothing from Jaehyun without ever addressing him. “You look _beautiful_.”

Yuta licked his lips and pressed Jaehyun’s chest, moving the younger back gently. “Thank you.” Yuta paused, eyes falling to the curve of Jaehyun’s collarbones, “We shouldn’t do this.” 

“We shouldn’t.” Jaehyun agreed, “But I did say I wanted to fall in love with you again.” 

“This isn’t the way to start that.” Yuta snapped, lacking true animosity, “Besides, I’ve been working on myself. I’m doing well right now. I don’t think now is the time to try again.”

Jaehyun licked his lips, “We don’t have to try again right now.”

_I want to love you again._

It was when the leaves were finishing their fall that Johnny and Mark made their relationship official and everything seemed to fall into a normal that was oddly comfortable. The group dynamic shifted into something akin to quaint as they learned their ways around a new relationship in the small group. 

Yuta had begun talking to Jaehyun again, something that helped the transition immensely. 

The first time that the two had begun to rekindle something more than friendship was that winter break during the first snow. 

The snow wasn’t heavy, not in the slightest, falling more like ash in a thin layer that made the sidewalks slippery and Yuta’s lips dry. Jaehyun had asked if he wanted to take a walk by the pond on campus. Yuta had asked if he was _insane_ , the air undoubtedly freezing with the additional source of moisture. 

Somehow, Yuta had found himself standing under a flowerless cherry tree, waiting for the younger man anyways. 

When Jaehyun arrived, he was dressed in a long peacoat that was the shade of the midnight sky with a matching beanie, a bright red scarf wrapped around his neck, wool slacks barely peeking out from underneath the long coat. Yuta was bundled in a wool lined leather jacket and had double layered leggings underneath his black slacks, with cream colored accessories keeping the rest of him warm. 

Jaehyun looked _cute_ , Yuta thought as he looked at the man. His mouth was hidden by the scarf, but his cheeks were flushed pink and rather _squishy_ looking, eyes wet from the cold and glossy under the city lights. “Hey,” He spoke into the scarf, voice wavering from what Yuta could guess as either the cold or nerves of meeting with him. 

“Hey,” Yuta replied, shoving his hands deeper in his pockets to avoid the urge to reach out and pinch the man’s supple cheeks, “So, you wanted to take a walk?” 

Jaehyun beamed beneath the layers, cheeks rounding and eyes folding and Yuta could _just_ make out the creases of his whiskers above the scarf. Yuta’s heart skipped in his chest as he cursed himself. How long had it been since that radiant smile had been aimed at him? Far too long, he thought, _far too long_. 

Jaehyun jerked his head in the direction of the pond and Yuta fell into step beside him without a word. Jaehyun began explaining that a friend of his had shown him it, an ecology minor who specialized in local environments and ecosystems, and that this time of year it was lovely to watch the small trickle of non-hibernating animals that visited the campus during the quiet hours. “She really likes this one bench that’s at the base of the staircase- it’s a pretty view and the deer come right down the back hill so you can see their trails and stuff.” 

Yuta hummed into his scarf, watching the way the pavement glittered from the sparkling snowflakes underneath the overcast sky. There was a distinct jealousy in his chest, not of the woman. Yuta couldn’t pinpoint it, but the feeling seemed to stem from the fact that he was no longer getting to experience these moments in a romantic way with the man next to him. Still, platonically experiencing them was better than _nothing_ , and Yuta was simply grateful for the chance to experience _anything_ with him again. 

“Is this friend of yours…” Yuta paused, pulling a hand from his jacket to wave idly like the spindly trees surrounding them. It was noncommittal and a non-question, but Jaehyun seemed to pick up on it and he smiled distantly, eyes on the cement. 

“I think she wants something like that,” Jaehyun admitted, shrugging. He bumped his shoulder into Yuta in that moment, startling the man into looking at him. Jaehyun looked cheeky as he shrunk into his bundles, “I told her that I’m reserved, though.”

“Reserved?” Yuta asked, the shock coloring his tone as he watched Jaehyun settle further into his clothing, “For who?”

“No one,” Jaehyun sang, teasing the man, “No one you would know. A true punk, if I’m being honest.” 

Yuta scoffed, shaking his head, “You’re ridiculous,” He declared into the cold, “Putting yourself off the market for a punk? That’s truly a new low, Jae.” 

Jaehyun looked up to him, expression unreadable but so warm that Yuta no longer felt the sting of early winter. Yuta had to look away, fearing he was burning underneath the peach tinged light emanating from the man next to him, his chestnut eyes far too fond. Yuta’s eyes fell to their feet as he admired the way they were in sync with each other while Jaehyun described the local ecosystem in vague and broken detail. Jaehyun wasn’t biology savvy and Yuta didn’t mind- Yuta would listen to him describe the entire history of pencil graphite if he was willing.

“We’re here,” Jaehyun said abruptly, dropping onto the cold bench and patting the spot next to him.

Yuta sat down much more carefully, feeling the cold seeping through his leggings and causing him to shiver lightly. Jaehyun had been correct, though, the view was serene and it felt genuinely _nice_ , but Yuta couldn’t tell if that was due to the scenery or Jaehyun’s close company. The pond in front of them was large, the other side visible but distant and the water only flowed in on opposite ends through a natural creek. The trees surrounding the water were barren, all of their leaves dropped on the ground and dead, coated in a light layer of wetness that was the snow attempting to bury the earth. 

There were several late migrating geese floating in the undoubtedly icy water and several more nesting on the shoreline, seasonal birds littering the tree branches sporadically and what appeared to be a set of squirrels chasing one another up a tree a few paces to their left. The cement staircase that was up the path from them that was built into the hillside was covered in a thriving moss that was faded only in the areas commonly stepped on by students and looked both eerie and artistic wrapped into one fine emotion. It was calm, it was secluded, and it felt like something Yuta could remember for a long time. 

“This is beautiful, Jae.” Yuta said finally, looking over to the man again. Jaehyun was looking at him already, eyes wet from what Yuta assumed was the cold and it made him wanted to shuffle closer and warm him. Yuta didn’t, though. There was a space between them, one that could be closed with a shift of his leg, but it remained open. It was closer than they had been in months, though, and Yuta found that it didn’t hurt as he had expected it to. “I’m glad you brought me here.” 

Jaehyun nodded, almost numbly, as he pried his eyes away from Yuta to look over the water. “I like to come here to think a lot. I sit here and just watch the way that the seasons change this place. Next spring we can come here when the flowers bloom and I can show you my favorite daisy patch.”

Yuta’s laugh was honest and light, filling the air around them with a comfort that he hadn’t realized was missing until _that_ moment. “I would love that, Jae.” 

Jaehyun looked to his fingers that were interlocked through his gloves, a melancholic color washing over him. Suddenly, Yuta could taste the rain on his lips mixing with his tears from a day he had packed away as a _terrible_ memory in a box in his mind that he wouldn’t open again. The look Jaehyun wore now was as sad as it had been then, the same expression clouding him, the unreadable sadness that tasted more like desire and nostalgia than anything else. “I’ve missed you calling me that,” He said finally, swallowing thickly before speaking again, “You calling me Jae. I miss the way it used to make me feel.” 

“How?” Yuta asked, voice soft and nearly muffled against his scarf, “What do you mean? How did it make you feel?” 

“Important. No,” Jaehyun said, then paused and shook his head, looking back to Yuta, “Special.”

Yuta sighed, his breath seeping through his scarf and into the air in a fading cloud that felt awfully like the content moment they were settled into. “Well, you _are_.” Jaehyun nodded slowly, looking over to the water again. Yuta wanted to change the moment, break the ice that was clinging to them suddenly. Jaehyun had wanted to start over and there would be none of that if they clung to their past as they were doing. So, Yuta nudged his shoulder with his own and jerked his chin towards the water. “Do you think this is a pond or a lake?” 

“What?” Jaehyun asked, clearly caught off guard by the question. 

“You heard me- is this a pond-sized lake or a lake-sized pond?” 

“What’s the difference?” Jaehyun asked, eyebrows knitting as he studied the water and the man equally.

“Well, ones a lake that is the size of a pond and the other is a pond the size of a lake.” Yuta said simply, shrugging his shoulders and grinning at the man, “Choose wisely because if you answer wrong you have to buy me coffee.” 

“I think it’s a pond that’s the size of a small lake.” Jaehyun said finally, sitting up straighter with confidence. 

Yuta made a harsh buzzing noise in the back of his throat and laughed, “It’s a very small lake! It’s a lake the size of a pond!”

“No way!” Jaehyun argued, incredulously bemused as his eyes twinkled in a way that Yuta hadn’t seen for a _long_ while and made his heart constrict painfully. “My friend says it’s a pond, so it’s a pond!” 

“Well, your friend is wrong.” Yuta said, sitting up straighter as he preened. 

_I want to love you again. I want to start over with you._

The worst time to be alone, in Jaehyun’s opinion, was during the holidays. Jaehyun wasn’t much of a celebrator but he enjoyed the festivities and the general aura of that time of year, though watching the other couples kissing under mistletoe and fawning over one another under Christmas lights was disheartening to say the least. 

Watching both sets of his best friends do it, was _far_ worse. 

Doyoung and Taeyong were inseparable most of the holiday season, kissing under every and any awning they could find while the group was out celebrating. Johnny and Mark consistently made gagging noises, mocking the two and begging them to find a private space. Johnny had even offered the backseat of his car at one point. 

Jaehyun and Yuta simply looked away, fidgeting with phones or looking at the street vendors that offered seasonal and traditional goods.

Jaehyun was starting to feel it again, he was realizing slowly, the fire he felt around Yuta. He wasn’t sure it had ever died out completely, but it was beginning to rage within him again like a healthy hearth fire. Ever since he had taken him to the pond three weeks prior, the two had become close again easily. 

Several nights one or the other would leave their respective homes after hours of video games or studying or movie watching or simply napping on separate surfaces. The two were comfortable again, but it was completely different to the first time it had developed. It was warm this time, like down blankets and hot chocolate and drawn baths. It was comforting, it was caring, it was _genuine_. 

Jaehyun was finding himself falling in love with Yuta again, though it was nothing as it had been. Perhaps starting over was going to be a fruitful choice, afterall. 

At the fifth or sixth time that Doyoung and Taeyong had departed to have an obscenely long kiss beneath the mistletoe dangling from a decorative arch on the street, Jaehyun groaned, bumping into Yuta. “With all their making out you’d think we were here to be exhibitionists instead of light-lookers.” 

Yuta laughed, wheezy and bright, sending Jaehyun’s heart tumbling in his chest and fingers clenching within his peacoat. “I guess looking at other peoples Christmas decorations could be considered a form of exhibitionism too!” 

“It’s definitely not the same,” Jaehyun countered, looking to where Johnny and Mark had been standing only to find them gone as well. “Oh, I guess we have been abandoned by both parties.” 

Yuta seemed to only notice as well that they were loitering alone together on the sidewalk. He chewed on his lip after unravelling his scarf slightly. Today he was dressed in thick looking pants and a longer, heavier black coat than the last winter-outing they had had. Jaehyun had noticed that none of his piercings were filled, all the jewelry absent in the cold. Jaehyun briefly wondered if they would frost over in the winter, but suddenly felt too shy to ask him such a question. 

“Would you like to go grab some cider?” Yuta offered, gesturing to the stand not far up the street from them. 

Jaehyun pretended to ponder the question as though he wouldn’t follow Yuta anywhere he offered. “Hm,” He finally said, patting his chin above his scarf with a brown leather gloved hand, “I guess it’s better than watching Taeyong drool all over Doyoung.” 

Yuta’s laugh filled his chest again as he offered Jaehyun his elbow. Yuta didn’t look expectant, nor did he look at Jaehyun with anything overly affectionate. It was platonic, warm, _comfortable_. Jaehyun once again felt himself fill with the same butterfly feeling he had begun having around the man, something entirely _new_ to the two. Shyness had never been in Jaehyun’s nature, but he supposed it was something that came along with the territory of Yuta looking at him like _that_. 

When Jaehyun took his elbow, he prayed that the tremble in his limb wasn’t noticeable through the thick layers. If Yuta _did_ notice it, he didn’t mention it, instead smiling amicably as the two walked towards the stand. 

Yuta ordered the drinks and paid the man as Jaehyun sat down on a bench diagonal from him. The street was lined with white lights and bustling crowds and shoppes open with pine leaves and red ribbons and snowmen decorating every window. It hadn’t snowed heavily yet, though Jaehyun hoped it would for Christmas. It seemed promising, the sky heavy looking and dark, and the forecast said to expect a blanket in the coming weeks. Jaehyun was counting down the days until Christmas, winter break beginning at the end of the week and Christmas nine days from the next day. 

Yuta interrupted his thoughts by smoothly inputting a paper cup into his vision that steamed the air in front of him with the scent of apple and cinnamon and warm spices. “You looked like you were six planets away from me, right then.” 

Jaehyun smiled at him, taking the cup as he sat down on the cement bench as well. “I was thinking about how close Christmas is and how much I’m hoping for snow.” 

“I think it’ll start tomorrow, the sky is looking-” Yuta said, looking upwards and pausing mid sentence, “ _Oh_.”

Jaehyun was busy admiring the way Yuta’s nose looked like Rudolph’s in the cold, processing his surprise a moment too late as Yuta looked back down quickly. He looked oddly shy, which made Jaehyun’s eyes wander upwards to the sky above them. To his equal surprise, a strand of pretty green leaves and little white berries hung above the two, dancing from a bare tree limb. _Mistletoe_. 

“Oh.” Jaehyun repeated, voice soft. 

The two sat nervously for a second, Yuta’s fingers clutching his paper cup with enough unease to dent the fragile waxed lining. Jaehyun felt a twinge of guilt for having made the man this anxious around him, however a sweet bit of butterflies jumbled his stomach at the idea that Yuta was _nervous_ to kiss him, as though they hadn’t been through this a million times before. It was so endearing, Jaehyun leaned over and pressed a cider warmed kiss to his wintered cheek, lingering only long enough to absorb his soft gasp and the fluttering of his eyelashes. 

When Yuta looked at him with wide eyes and slight agape mouth, Jaehyun just shrugged. He brought his cup to his lips just to barely hide his grin, “Just for good luck.”

The odd thing about break-ups, Jaehyun had found, was that people often prepared the couple for the immediate pain that accompanied. They talked about the ways in which things that reminded one of the other would hurt and the ways that loneliness would eat them alive, and how to get over the other quickly. They however, did not prepare one for the long term ache that seemed to hang around like a ghost or perhaps a bad hangover. 

Jaehyun had found that over the course of time that the two had spent apart, he was often accidentally reminding himself of the distinct lack of _Yuta_. He would turn to speak to someone who _wasn’t_ there, be reminded of him by everyday things like foods or shows, and even in the early hours of the morning when the sun hadn’t yet risen as he searched the cold sheets for a heat that was supposed to be there. 

This morning, there was a heat there, warming the sheets as his fingers found flesh. It was soft, warm, and entirely _not_ Yuta’s. 

Jaehyun’s nose scrunched in confusion, sleep finally slipping from him as he did so. He cracked his eyes open in the dull dawn light and stared at the far too thin figure lounging in front of him. 

_Jungwoo_.

Jaehyun mentally cursed and rolled onto his back to stare at the dull ceiling as though that would solve all of his problems. He had forgotten that he had invited the waiter over to warm up his eternally cold apartment. 

It was moments like these that Jaehyun was reminded the most of Yuta and moments like these where his absence was most notable. 

Everyone prepared for the break up, but no one prepared for what it was like to _live_ without the other. 

It had snowed for Christmas and Yuta had been pleasantly surprised. It had reached his knees before the steely sky ceased its falling, covering everything in a light and fluffy blanket that shimmered in the lamp post lights. Yuta had gone into the courtyard with Taeyong and Mark and played in the snow for hours, building snowmen and having snowball fights and generally just enjoying the thick layer.

By the time New Years came, the snow had almost entirely melted, though, and with it so had Yuta’s resolve for keeping Jaehyun at arms length. 

Johnny was hosting a New Year’s party at his house with Mark, inviting another small crowd of miscellaneous people to his place that was decorated with pretty but cheap decor. Silver and gold garnishes were tossed carefully over the railings and windows with matching streamers arching from the ceiling with swooping motions and dangling glitter drops hanging between them like gilded snowflakes or crystalized rain. 

Everyone was dressed fancily, in suave looking suits or form fitting dresses and Yuta felt unusually underdressed in his outfit of black slacks and sparkly black turtleneck with a leather jacket tossed over top. Taeyong reassured that he looked _stunning_ , however and that his freshly re-done silver hair was looking phenomenal with the outfit. Doyoung said he looked like an ice fairy to which he wasn’t sure how to respond as he wasn’t sure if the man had meant it positively or not.

Taeyong was dressed in a multi-colored velvet button down that he wore half undone under a dark red suede coat, a black velvet pencil skirt framing his black nylon clad legs nicely, the small heels he wore adding height to the point that he and Doyoung were almost eye level. Doyoung dressed in a red suede suit, matching Taeyong’s jacket, with an intricate black button down underneath covered in black velvet designs. It was so simple and so elegant and so _Doyoung_. Yuta had to admit they made the perfect set, undeniably the most beautiful couple in the room.

“Hey, guys!” Mark’s voice invaded their space suddenly, making Doyoung and Taeyong’s heads snap over their shoulders to look at where Mark was bounding down the stairs at them as they were admiring a photo Johnny had only recently hung on the wall. 

“Hey, Mark!” Yuta greeted warmly, smiling genuinely at the boyish man. He was dressed in a short sleeved navy blue button down and navy blue slacks with coin sized white polka dots. It was an odd look, the navy only broken up at his waist by an iridescent white belt that cinched his figure nicely. Yuta didn’t think that anyone else could make the outfit look as good as Mark did. Mark had recently dyed his hair dark blue and Yuta briefly wondered if it was Johnny who had suggested the monochromatic look, as Mark’s fashion sense was as deft as a toddler’s. “You guys did great with the decor.” 

“Yeah, I almost wouldn’t know it was a dollar store purchase.” Doyoung said, sipping his eggnog with a wink.

“Nothing wrong with the dollar store,” Johnny’s voice interrupted from behind them, slotting himself into the half circle that had formed around the photograph on the wall. Yuta had still yet to distinguish what the photo truly was of, but he figured the hazy cloud of alcohol and nostalgia kept his vision from being perfectly clear. 

“We’re university students,” Yuta said, nibbling on his cup, “Dollar store decorations is a _luxury_.” 

Johnny laughed and slung an arm around him and Yuta admired the grey three piece suit he wore that glittered with iridescent shimmers and the solid black button down shirt. Johnny always looked so dapper in suits, their shape elongating his already preposterous body and broadening him further. He looked professional, hair slicked and grin perfected. Johnny was an interesting man. Mark had gotten _very_ lucky.

Yuta tuned back into the conversation just to listen to them talking about Johnny’s graduations and the plans they had for them. He sighed into his drink, not wanting to think about losing the man from their small clique. He would be graduating early, meaning before Taeyong and Yuta, and for some reason that saddened Yuta. 

Soon, they would all be separating into their _real adult_ lives. 

He drowned the thought with a heavy gulp of eggnog and looked over Johnny’s shoulder just in time to catch a familiar head of hair walking into the kitchen. He struggled away from Johnny, chasing after the egg-headed man, weaving through the crowd with slight difficulties.

Finally, he broke through and into the kitchen, finding Jaehyun lounging against the sink with a glass of red wine. His shirt was a matching shade to the glass, top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled to his elbows, tucked neatly into a part of black slacks with gold details curling up only the sides. Rings decorated several of his fingers and a few matching necklaces hung into his shirt and Yuta was curious as to their design. With just enough alcohol to make him bold rushing through his system, he found himself standing in front of the man, neither having spoken yet. 

Yuta reached a shaky hand out, fingers gently brushing the skin of his bare chest as he collected the lowest one in between his fingers first. He pulled it from his shirt slowly, looking over it in his fingers for a moment before making a humming noise. “A snake,” Yuta said, barely audible above the commotion. 

Jaehyun hummed back, sound vibrating through his chest and it made Yuta shiver. “Yeah,”

Yuta placed the necklace onto his chest gingerly, visible over the cloth now, heading for the next.The next necklace was another silver one, this time holding a simple agate on the end. “What stone is this?” Yuta’s voice was low and he wasn’t sure that Jaehyun truly would be able to hear him, but it seemed as though the two had created a bubble that only they existed in once again. 

“It’s a raw amethyst.” Jaehyun supplied, though he had yet to look away from Yuta. Yuta was acutely aware of the fact that Jaehyun had been staring at him and only him since Yuta had invaded his personal space. “It’s my birthstone.” 

Yuta nodded slowly, setting the necklace down. As he headed for the final chain, he spoke, “Mine is tourmaline and opal. They changed it just recently, I guess.”

Jaehyun laughed quietly, the sound more of a heavy breath, but Yuta felt it land straight in his chest as his heart began to wildly beat. His fingers trembled slightly and if Jaehyun noticed, he was kind enough not to say anything. The final necklace only carried a tiny little vial of white sparkles in it, a metal cork holding them all in. It was so pretty, so dainty, Yuta almost couldn’t believe Jaehyun had worn it. “Sparkles?” 

Jaehyun laughed again and Yuta looked at him finally, though this time Jaehyun was looking at the vial in Yuta’s fingers, dimples creased and eyes shining. “Yeah,” He said slowly, “They’re called fairy dust necklaces.” 

“Oh?” Yuta inquired, admiring the way his cheeks were peach shaped at this angle and his whiskers entirely visible, “Why?”

“The sparkles are supposed to cast a single wish when you pour them out.” Jaehyun said, his free hand coming up to cup the hand Yuta still held the necklace with.

“What would you wish for?” Yuta asked and Jaehyun finally looked up at him again. 

“There’s so many things I _could_ wish for.” Jaehyun pondered, tone teasing and light as he pretended to think it over again. “I think I’d simply wish for a New Years kiss, though.” 

Yuta nodded slowly, reaching behind Jaehyun to set his eggnog down. The action pulled him a bit closer to Jaehyun than he expected, but the other man surprised him by simply grabbing his shoulders and pulling him in closer. 

When Jaehyun’s wine stained lips found his again, it felt like the world clicked into place again and time began moving at the pace it was supposed to rather than life passing by at a hundred and five. Yuta had felt so disjointed in Jaehyun’s absence and he hadn’t even realized as much until he felt the man in his arms once again.

This felt different, though, like they were kissing for the first time all over again. Jaehyun’s lips were just as soft and he tasted all the same, but he moved slower and softer in a way that Jaehyun had never done with Yuta before. Yuta didn’t pry, didn’t move to make it faster, didn’t _rush_. He didn’t feel like he _needed_ to rush. 

Maybe this was what Jaehyun had meant by starting anew, because this certainly _felt_ new. 

Yuta didn’t feel the aggressive tendency he had previously had with Jaehyun, either, the kiss was completely languid and comforting. His hands moved to hold Jaehyun’s hips as the others hands wrapped around his neck, the two getting lost in a place where only they existed as the world move on without them. 

_This_ , Yuta decided, was _perfect_. 

Yuta hadn’t known he had been missing this in his life, _craving_ it. They’d never kissed like this before, all soft pulling motions and gentle tongues. It was warm and comfortable and so perfectly _sweet_. Yuta felt his stomach knot with feelings that he knew would burst into his chest eventually, but chose to simply slot his knee between Jaehyun’s instead and entangle them completely. It was nostalgic, Yuta thought, to be making out with Jaehyun at Johnny’s house at Johnny’s party again. This time, however, was completely different to the first. They were so different from where they started, it was almost unbelievable. Nowadays, Yuta would never fight with Jaehyun like he had that day- couldn’t even _imagine_ it. It was with that realization that another one brewed- Jaehyun had been _right_. The two would have never lasted if they hadn’t broken up. Jaehyun had done the best thing for their relationship by demolishing it and then rebuilding it slowly, brick by brick again. 

Their foundation was stronger now, built off of feelings of longing and love rather than jealousy and frustration. 

Jaehyun had always been _right_. 

Yuta wasn’t sure how long they kissed like that, the two simply sharing each other's company and taste with careful but lazy motions, but they were separated when Doyoung found the two. “Hey, face huggers, it’s time to countdown to midnight.” 

The pair separated with a few final and drawn out pecks that Doyoung groaned at. 

That night, Jaehyun didn’t have to use his necklace in order to have a wish come true as Yuta kissed him at midnight at the back of the crowd.

Jaehyun was impressed with Yuta. The man had yet to ask him to be his boyfriend again despite the two going on late winter dates and lounging in their apartments together. Yuta seemed to appreciate taking it slow this time around, stealing long kisses and hand-holding, but never going further. Jaehyun found it to be as impressive as it was frustrating.

Jaehyun was beginning to grow restless through their hangouts as he was familiarizing himself with the other’s body again, feeling the curve of his waist, the grind of his hips, and the length of his legs. Jaehyun was truly struggling with the fact that he was once again ready to fall into bed with Yuta, but he didn’t want the other man to think that he only wanted him for sex. 

It didn’t stop him from being frustrated, though he thought he was hiding it well. 

The keyword was _thought_ , considering Yuta had cornered him against his bed one week before his birthday, tongue laving at his throat as the younger ground against his thigh. “And you’re _sure_ you want to do this?” Yuta asked for what felt like the umpteenth time this evening after Jaehyun had been a little _too_ enthusiastic during their nightly make-out sessions.

“ _Yes_ ,” Jaehyun groaned, “Jesus Christ, it’s felt like I’ve been hard for _weeks_ at this point.” 

Yuta just laughed into his skin, kissing it softly. “I’ve been wondering when you were going to break, to be completely honest.” 

Jaehyun was shirtless and in sweatpants that left little to imagination, already half hard and tired of waiting. His chest heaved as he laughed, “What do you mean?” 

Yuta pulled back, straddling his hips as he did so and just gently grinding against him. “I mean,” Yuta panted back, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me to fuck you. It’s been _ages_ , but you’ve been better with timing than I have.” 

“Huh?” Jaehyun’s mind wasn’t comprehending the words Yuta spoke for some reason and he thought it could have been the way that Yuta had dropped down a slight bit more and applied more pressure to his continually growing hard on. 

“Your timing has been good,” Yuta said, clearly struggling for a way to express himself, “What I mean is that you’ve been right about everything. About the break up and needing to start over. Every time we hit a milestone it’s because you make it happen and I keep finding that it’s always the _perfect_ timing when you make it happen. So I was waiting for when you’d think the perfect time for rekindling our sex life was a good idea.” 

Jaehyun laughed as he absorbed the information, hands finding Yuta’s waist as he ground into his thigh and nodded, “Yeah, okay, I guess this is the right time then, huh?” 

Yuta nodded quickly, silver head ducking back down to Jaehyun’s level, “It is, now quit talking.”

When their lips found each other again, it was slow and unrushed, just a smooth tandem of movements that left them basking in each other’s presence. Jaehyun pulled his legs from between Yuta’s to wrap around his waist and pulled him closer. He wanted to be enveloped in the others presence, his heavy pine cologne overtaking the surrounding area. 

Jaehyun finally felt like he was where he needed to be once again. 

When his sweatpants were discarded and Yuta’s fingers dipped inside him for the first time in what felt like eternity, Yuta made a strange noise in his throat. Jaehyun blushed, looking away as he knew _exactly_ what the man was thinking. He’d fingered himself in the shower earlier that day, the frustration having built up in him to the point where he couldn’t help it if he had tried and it seemed to send Yuta into a slight frenzy. The man nipped at his thighs as he continued to work the muscles over unnecessarily. 

“Tell me,” Yuta mumbled against his skin hotly, voice coarse and paper thin, “Tell me what you thought about.” 

Jaehyun’s eyes had yet to leave his closet door, heat filling his chest and cheeks at the thought. “ _You_ ,” He admitted carefully, thighs trembling and fingers, digging further into the sheets, “I thought about you and the way that you used to make me choke in the shower. I hadn’t intended on getting off, I just-” 

Yuta’s groan was enough to silence him as he looked down to see the man grinding into the bed. One of his hands was wrapped around Jaehyun’s thigh and the other buried two fingers deep still, his head dropped against his hip. He looked like he was holding on by only a thread of self control, clinging to the last bit of self preservation he had in his system. 

“Yuta, I always thought of you.” Jaehyun admitted, watching as Yuta buried his nose deeper into Jaehyun’s skin, his hips grinding down harder, inhaling shakily. At this point, his fingers were nothing more than a plug in Jaehyun, but Jaehyun didn’t mind in the slightest, his body on fire from the moment they were in. “I thought of you as I was fucking someone else or myself. Even worse was when I couldn’t get away from you even in my _dreams_. You’ve always had me on a short leash, but it felt like when you were gone, the leash was only held tighter.” 

Yuta seemed to snap at that, popping up and pulling his fingers from Jaehyun quickly. The man was stripped in an instant, Jaehyun watching in admiration as every inch of tattooed and pierced skin was revealed to him once again. He admired the way that Yuta rolled the condom on and the way he lubed himself. 

He could do nothing but admire him, even as he clamored back between his hips and pushed a thigh to his chest. “Please, tell me if you need me to stop or if this is too soon.” 

The sudden earnesty in Yuta’s voice made Jaehyun look back up, only to find the other man’s eyes wide and wet. “I think it’s perfect timing, Yuta.” 

With such simple and sweet words, Yuta blinked twice and then pressed inside of him in a single but slow movement. When his hips were firmly locked against Jaehyun’s, Yuta dropped his forehead against Jaehyun’s and let the man adjust his knee over his shoulder. Yuta was gently massaging the skin of his thigh as he placed soft kisses over his face. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this, Jae,” He finally said, voice sounding slightly raw, slightly broken, slightly hopeful. “I didn’t want to rush anything, though, and hurt you. I also didn’t want to ruin the chance at something _genuine_. I don’t want this to be a one time thing. I don’t want to leave in the morning. I don’t want to leave _at all_.”

Jaehyun let out an almost pathetic whimper that Yuta swallowed eagerly and began grinding inside of him slowly. “This-this has been all I’ve wanted with you.” Jaehyun admitted, voice strained from the weight on him, but Yuta nodded against him, one hand moving to cup his face as he continued the movement of his hips. 

Neither spoke much after that, voices lost as they picked up their pace. Jaehyun was left clinging to his back, begging for more that Yuta gave so willingly. Jaehyun had missed this, had missed being this vulnerable with someone. He trusted Yuta, trusted that he would take care of him in every way possible. He didn’t have to hide with him, so he didn’t.

Jaehyun let himself tear up and cry, let himself plead and beg and arch and whine. He let himself be folded and bent and bitten and marked. 

Yuta took great care of him, movements precise and careful, mumbling praises and overly sweet words into the night that swallowed the two whole. There was no underlying aggression, nothing violent in a way that had become synonymous with sex to the two in the past. They were careful and patient and so much slower than before. 

When Jaehyun came it was with tears in his eyes and Yuta mumbling into his ear about how _good_ he was, how _beautiful_ he was. That was enough. 

Yuta’s orgasm followed shortly after and ended with his teeth sunk into the juncture of Jaehyun’s neck in a rather possessive and marking way. 

After the two had cleaned up, they found themselves wrapped around each other underneath the covers, simply holding one another in the darkness of the early february night. Yuta thought it was a full moon tonight with how bright the room was even in the dark, but he couldn’t be sure. Jaehyun’s nose was nuzzled into his neck and Yuta thought that if he could, he would be purring. Instead, Jaehyun would press random kisses into whatever ksin he could reach, and that was enough to make Yuta content.

“Hey, Jaehyun?” Yuta asked finally, voice quiet in the moment, careful as though he were walking on black ice. 

“Yeah?” Jaehyun’s was equally as quiet, but far less careful. Perhaps Jaehyun wasn’t scared of falling.

“Would it be the wrong moment to ask if we can try starting over now?” 

Jaehyun’s laugh was more of a chortle, though it wasn’t mocking in the slightest. It made Yuta pull him closer to his side where the man was snuggled with a single leg tossed over his hips. “We already _have_ started over, Yuta. I’d say we are almost to our goal.”

“Well,” Yuta said with a huff, “What’s our goal?” 

“I’d say mine is being boyfriends again,” Jaehyun said casually, tracing one of Yuta’s tattoos softly. “Is that yours?”

Yuta nodded hesitantly, “Of course. I guess I’m asking if it would be too soon to ask you to be my boyfriend again?”

Jaehyun shook his head then, kissing his neck. “No, it wouldn’t be too soon, Yuta. Ask me.” 

“Jaehyun, will you be my boyfriend?” 

“Of course.”

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo what'd you think? i hope you liked it!! 
> 
> i'm going to write the follow-up DoTae and possibly another JohnMark. I'm not sure if I will continue the series after that (despite how much i LOVE these characters) because I don't know what else I could do with the storyline. if you have any suggestions, requests, or interests, let me know in the comments or in my cc (where ever you feel most comfortable!)
> 
> anyways, take care and stay safe!! 
> 
> sending love<3
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/MidnightPasses)  
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/MidnightPasses?t=156572385)


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